Aren't
Bank Holidays brilliant? Are they fuck!
Never
have been, picture the scene, a small boy with a really miserable look on his
face having his picture taken stood in the pissing down rain next to his mum
with Blackpool Pier providing the backdrop.
Then
substitute that backdrop for Scarborough, Bridlington or Whitby, pretty much
any seaside town within a 2 to 3 hour radius of Leeds.
This
my friends is the story of my childhood, those Polaroids still exist as proof.
So
this is what I don’t understand, why does a day off work compel families to do
something? What's this need we have to be doing something, anything got to
do something. Why does convention dictate that you can't spend a bank holiday
doing what you want - bugger all?
It'd
be great to do nothing wouldn't it?
Imagine
a whole extra day off work where you could actually relax and enjoy. Problem is
you then you go in to work the next day and the conversation would
probably go along the lines of : -
“What
did you do yesterday?”
“Nothing,
just stayed at home”
“That
was a bit of a waste wasn’t it?”
They'd
look at you like you'd just taken a dump on their living room floor.
Why?
Is
it human nature that forces us to get into a car or onto a bus and travel
somewhere to spend a miserable couple of hours with other people who have had
the same ridiculous idea?
Just
think about it rationally, if someone asked you the following would you do it?
“Darling,
how about tomorrow we sit in traffic for four hours, pay a fortune for shit
food, have a massive argument on the way there and back and want to kill the
kids within 30 minutes of leaving?”
“Sounds
great, what time shall we set off?
“4am”
Of
course you bloody wouldn't - but you do.
The
Answer is we are all pursuing the Holy Grail of family life, that is - quality
time, sharing common interests as a family the whole 'we wanna be together'
syndrome. Bloody people on TV and in books giving us advice telling us we’ve
got to have it, we can’t survive without it.
Well
my interests are going to the football, playing golf and drinking beer. Fit
that one into your family time Denise Robertson.
So
obviously given my 39 year hatred of Bank Holiday outings we stayed at home
this Monday.
Did
we buggery. We went on a trip.
Cadbury
World this was our day out and all I can say is wow.
Against
my preconception I actually found it interesting, the history, the chocolate
making process, manufacturing and marketing etc.
They
obviously glossed over the links to the slave trade and the Spanish massacre of
the Mexicans to get the cocoa beans in the first place but hey who hasn’t
changed the actual facts for a good story? *looks at shoes*
The
wow really comes from the amount of chocolate they try and push on you, like some
crack dealer trying to get you to try it for the first time.
We
had an allocated time of 9:40 so queued up to enter, had our tickets scanned
and were immediately furnished with 8 bars “to start with” – to bloody start
with? What the hell was I going to finish with? A diabetic coma?
Unsurprisingly
the descendants of the Gloop Family, who seemed to be having a reunion there on
the same day, had no issues consuming this amount before being presented with
more and then more again.
Throw
in some liquid chocolate as a taster and then the make your own concoction with
jelly babies, biscuit or marshmallow and the result was 500 Mr. Kreosotes
waddling around the gift shop buying the obligatory crap. This crap consisted
of chocolate bars as big as your head.
Our
trip down was actually ok, mainly as I’d had the foresight to break up the
journey with a visit and overnight stay at Mrs. Vino’s Aunties.
The
trip back however went as expected….
I’m
an only child and have never had to share the back seat with anyone, being a
short arse as well meant that I’d usually lie out and go to sleep across the
full length of the seat. I’ve actually missed entire countries by being asleep.
However
put N & M together in a car for 5 minutes and they bicker, 10 minutes and
they start to prod and pinch, so taking it to its natural outcome an hour in
they’re kicking the crap out of each other.
Now
the perceived wisdom when disciplining children is to not threaten anything
that you can’t follow through on.
However
I am a massive failure at this. The whole "if you keep doing that I’ll
send you to your room routine" just doesn’t cut it for me. Yes I can
follow it through but frankly it’s dull.
So
here are some of my Top Punishment Threats – frankly you’ll see they’re
completely useless but even if I do say so myself they are quite creative :-
1
– Arguing in the car - I’ll make you walk home from here (we were in
Birmingham)
2
– Moaning about having a hair wash - I’ll get all your hair shaved off
3
– Arguing in the car – I’ll turn the car around and we’ll go home (we’d driven
3 hours and were 2 minutes from the destination)
4
– Not listening to me – I’ll give you away to another family
5
– Complaining about dinner – I’m going to throw your dinner in the bin and send
you to live with the school cook if her food is so much better
Basically
without shouting at them I’ve got nothing.
I’ll
let you into a little parenting secret, though it may not be the pc approach, it
works. Yes there may be a few tears occasionally but it never did me any harm.
The
recipe this week had to be something with chocolate, I mean what else
could it be.
This
is a Lorraine Pascal recipe and although I usually don’t go in for all her
baking made easy crap but this works really well.
Oreo
Brownies
Ingredients
165g Butter plus extra for greasing
200g Dark Chocolate - grated or finely chopped
3 Eggs
2 Egg Yolks
2 tsp Vanilla Extract
165g Soft Light Brown Sugar
2 tbsp Plain Flour
1 tbsp Cocoa Powder
Pinch of Salt
154g Oreos, broken into quarters – or whatever chocolate
biscuits you like
Icing Sugar for dusting
Method
Preheat the oven to 180c
Grease a 20cm Square baking tin with butter, then line with
baking paper, the paper overlapping the sides a little
Melt the butter in a pan over a medium heat
When the butter has melted, remove the pan from the heat and add
the chocolate
Leave to stand until the chocolate melts and then stir together
Using an electric whisk, whisk the eggs, egg
yolks and vanilla together until the eggs begin to get light and
fluffy
Add the sugar in two lots, whisking well between each. Try to
pour it around the side of the egg mixture as you want to keep as much of
the air that has been whisked in as possible
Whisk until the mixture becomes stiffer
Once the egg mixture is ready, pour the chocolate into it -
again around
the sides trying to keep the air in
Add the flour, cocoa powder, salt and a third of the biscuits
and stir until fully combined
Pour the mixture into the prepared tin
Scatter the remaining biscuits over the top, pressing them in
slightly
Bake on the middle shelf of the oven for 25–30 minutes. The
middle should be very slightly gooey
Leave the brownies to cool in the tin - the top will sink and
crack a little
Pull the brownies out using the overlapping paper and cut into
squares
Dust with icing sugar
Enjoy.
A
NB
– We did make it home unscathed and all talking to each other, we’ve still got
10 bars of chocolate left and I can’t wait until the 27th for the
next Bank Holiday, if you see me that day you might as well kick me in the nuts to complete the experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment