Well
I’m still here. I actually had the idea to start off with the line “I’m still
standing!” but ever since a friend’s Dad once commented that he thought I
looked like Elton John it’s soured my relationship with the Pinball Wizard. To
be honest I’m not sure who should be more offended Elton or me?!
Anyway
it’s almost a year since I was diagnosed with depression, which progressed into
a major depressive episode. I suppose the diagnosis was just a way of dotting
the i’s and crossing the t’s. It does however put a date on it for my own
documenting purposes.
Being
still here may not sound much but it makes me happy and please believe me there
were times when I didn’t want to be here and never thought I’d be happy again.
A
year, it’s a long bloody time but if someone was to ask me what I’ve done this
year I wouldn’t be able to say. I know there’s been a lot of rumination and
self-loathing. There’s been a fair amount of drinking, although if my doctor
asks it’s in moderation. Plus miles of dog walking and more than enough crying
for a lifetime. I’d not worked until
recently so on a day-to-day basis the time would drift away into nothingness,
it wasn’t laziness more a stagnation.
A
constant throughout the year has been the love and support from family and
friends. I’ve not always accepted it but it has been very much appreciated.
So
I’m back working, Vino’s Kitchen is on hold, it’s been more a case of getting
back into a routine and ‘functioning’ (urghh, horrid fucking word) again in
society. And No this isn’t part of some ‘Care in the Community’ scheme before
any of you ask.
My
work history has been chequered to say the least. Let’s just say work and me
haven’t always seen eye to eye. The main problem being actually having to do
it.
I’m
not lazy, though certain ex bosses may argue to the contrary. It’s more a case
of not seeing the point of working, especially not everyday anyway.
I
always remember at the end of the school year some kids would receive a
certificate for 100% attendance, I really couldn’t see the point. I mean going
everyday? What for? Why the fuck would you?
I
think the problem lies in the fact I always found school and exams easy, whether
it was GCSEs, A-Levels or even my degree at University, it was all relatively
straight forward. I wrote my final dissertation the night before it was due in
and got a 2.1. Not that I’m proud of this, it’s just the way it was and in no
way prepared me for the reality of work life.
So
actually having to go to work on a daily basis coupled with hating pretty much
every job I’ve ever had hasn’t really helped things. It’s not that I’ve grown
to hate the jobs I’ve had, I’ve hated them before starting.
I’ve
loathed my bosses and in the main the people that I’ve worked with. Although if you’re reading this and you’re a
current or previous colleague I don’t mean you, you’re alright. I’d like to say
that it’s not arrogance or an air of superiority over my bosses but it really
is. I struggled not to look at them and think they weren’t complete fucktards, most
were.
I
guess it all harks back to not knowing what I want to do, I still don’t but I
know what I won’t do again.
If
you’re interested in knowing what I am actually doing read on.
I
work in a school kitchen a couple of hours a day over dinnertime. I’m a kitchen
porter so there’s minimal cooking, lots of washing up and I get to serve the
kids. It’s the school where N and M go, this in itself has had a varied
response from them. M is pleased to see me everyday and N refuses to
acknowledge my existence. Thus M gets a large pudding and N gets extra
vegetables. Not that I’m childish you understand.
I
enjoy working at the school, it feels like I’m doing something quite
worthwhile. The current school cook has
been there for 20 years and is looking to retire so I’ve made it clear that I’d
like to take over. Plus the cook feeds me a school dinner and does my washing
for me. If she wasn’t in her sixties I’d contemplate a little dalliance, she
looks after me better than the current Mrs.L (joke!!).
Of
course there are a couple of issues, the main being the uniform. I have to wear
chef whites, I want to wear a tabard. I reckon I could totally rock a tabard.
And contrary to what my friends say, I don’t need to wear a beard net, I think
it’s character building for a 5 year old to find a grey curly beard hair in
their custard.
Although
there is a girl who without fail bursts into tears every time she sees me armed
with a jug of gravy. I haven’t worked out if it’s me or the gravy that scares
her the most?
I’m
also working in a real ale bar in the evenings, I’m the oldest barman in town.
This point was proved to me when I was chatting to a colleague.
Now
I like to think I’m down with the kids as they say, I know a bit about popular
culture, YOLO and all that shite. However after instigating a conversation
about music I was left feeling like a proper old fart, I didn’t know a single
band she named. Obviously I’m putting it down to her poor taste rather than my
advanced years.
To
some these jobs may not seem a lot and I’ve been guilty of doing the me thing, thinking
I should be doing more but you know what it’s a starting point and I’m ok with
that.
The
thing is I’m probably the happiest I’ve been for a long time and that’s ok, I’m
not worried about being happy I don’t think there’s some payoff to come because
things are good at the moment.
So
thanks to all those who’ve supported me over this year, whether it’s a text, a
call, an email, just reading this old rubbish. It means a lot.
I’m
going to finish by doing something I’ve not done in a while and that’s a
recipe, it’s where the writing first started and feels appropriate to do it
again.
Sticky
Toffee Pudding
Until
this weekend I’d never made this classic pudding before, I’d eaten plenty but
never had a go myself and I have to say it’s really easy. The recipe comes from
The Guardian, it’s one of their ‘perfect’ recipes where they test variations
and amalgamate to find the best version. Their recipe contains walnuts, mine
doesn’t, and I don’t see the point.
Ingredients
Pudding
175g dates,
stoned and roughly chopped
1 tsp.
bicarbonate of soda
300ml
boiling water
50g
unsalted butter, softened
80g golden
caster sugar
80g dark
muscovado sugar
2 eggs,
beaten
175g flour
1 tsp.
baking powder
Pinch of
ground cloves
Sauce
115g
unsalted butter
75g golden
caster sugar
40g dark
muscovado sugar
140ml
double cream
1.
Pre-heat the oven to 180C. Butter a baking dish approximately 24cm x 24cm.
2. Make the sauce by putting all the
ingredients into a pan with a pinch of salt and heating slowly until the butter
has melted, then turn up the heat and bring to the boil. Boil for about 4
minutes, until the sauce has thickened enough to coat the back of a spoon. (I
stirred it constantly, not wanting to ruin another pan by burning it.)
3. Pour half the sauce into the base
of the dish and then put it in the freezer while you make the rest of the
pudding.
4. Put the dates and bicarbonate of
soda in a heatproof dish and cover with the boiling water. Leave to soften
while you make the rest of the pudding.
5. Beat together the butter and sugar
until fluffy, and then beat in the eggs, a little at a time. Stir in the flour,
baking powder, cloves and a pinch of salt until well combined, and then add the
dates and their soaking water and mix well.
6. Take the dish out of the freezer
and pour the batter on top of the toffee sauce. Put into the oven for 30 minutes,
until firm on top.
6. Heat the grill to medium, and poke
a few small holes evenly over the surface with a skewer or fork, and then pour
over the rest of the sauce. Put briefly under the grill, this almost gives a
crunch to the top. It’s personal preference to do this or not, I wouldn’t. Take
your eye off it for a minute to see what the screaming from the other room is
about and you’ve fucked up a perfectly good pudding by burning it to a crisp. Best thing to do is pour the sauce over and stick it back in the oven.
Serve with cream, ice-cream, custard
or whatever floats your boat, I’d stay away from yoghurt or crème fraiche, I
mean if you’re making a sticky toffee pudding you’ve already surrendered to the
calorific content, in for a penny and all that.
Enjoy
Ax
