Cooking gets much tougher than they think - Pork Chops

Over the years I’ve had favourite TV Chefs and cookery programmes then pretty much fallen out with all of them. I revel in shouting abuse at the box as Nigel ponces around his kitchen garden knocking up ‘something simple’ from leftovers that the majority of us can’t afford to buy in the first place.

I have a problem with chefs, celebrity or otherwise being held in a position far outweighing their status. They’re not surgeons, scientists or superheroes.

When all is said and done, they show us how to cook our tea. (It’s tea, not dinner. I’m from Yorkshire.)

The only thing the Great British Menu recently taught us was that chefs can’t muster a funny thought between them, they’d have struggled even if one had marched into the kitchen singing “funny thoughts are here again.”

It leads me to believe the collective noun for chefs is a moribund.

Serving essence of food while adorning oneself with a silly hat or red nose doesn’t constitute humour. To steal from Black Adder again, they should have served a Turnip shaped like a Thingy and be done with it. Weeks of toe curling viewing could have been avoided.

What really irked was the seriousness with which the chefs approached the ‘competition’. Really what are they competing for, a ten minute slot on Saturday Kitchen where they can watch Mr. Martin chat up anything with a pulse? A friend on Twitter dared to comment on the questionable behaviour of one of the chefs only to have his followers and ultimately the chef himself, berate him for expressing an opinion. What an absolute dick.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learnt many things, stolen good ideas and favourite recipes from these programmes. My main problem, yes I’m a grumpy bastard most of the time and so have problems with many things, is the crusades celebrity chefs go on. The curly haired one telling us which chicken we can feed our family, the mockney one what food our children can eat at school. Yes I know these are just causes, we should consider the welfare of the poor chickens and the fat kids and no I don’t want N & M to eat twizzlers but please fuck off, it’s not your job to sort it. Just entertain me you dancing monkeys, is that too much to ask?

Then there’s Nigella, how I used to love Nigella. I’ve fantasised about whole weekends spent in various carnal states with her. Obviously she cooks me something tasty after I have satiated her every desire. Unfortunately these days she reminds me of some poor old dear with dementia, dressed up to the nines dripping with pearls hanging around the fridge door at midnight trying to get in to what I can only hazard a guess she believes to be Claridges.

My personal favourite, if by favourite you mean the programme that makes you spew expletives at your screen above all others, is Masterchef.

I don’t have issues with the contestants per se. Oh who am I kidding I sit watching in slack jawed amazement at the ineptitude of these ‘master chefs’, surely the clue is in the title of the show, if you can’t fucking boil water, don’t apply.

Then we have John & Gregg re-enacting their own Brokeback Mountain in front of the nation, the sexual chemistry makes me a little uneasy if I’m being honest, why don’t they just get a room?

I’d love John to do a palette test involving Beans, Bread & Butter, while Gregg bounces uncontrollably from foot to foot fawning over this masterpiece of culinary art.

Gregg’s metaphors are simply stunning. I can’t wait for the day when he delivers the ultimate line. Picture the scene, someone has dared make a Sticky Toffee pudding with plenty of sauce and topped with custard. John as usual doesn’t really give a shit but Gregg, he’s in pudding heaven. He manages to suck the silver off the spoon as he savours every morsel, then he utters the words “that pudding it, it, it…. takes my cock and balls out of my trousers puts them on the table and BANG hits them with a massive sledgehammer it’s that good” John stands there looking longingly into his eyes.

However the phrases that really make my blood boil are “Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this” and “Pressure Test.”

You know what I’ll give you a bloody pressure test. It takes place in kitchens up and down the country every night. Children waiting for their dinner from 5 o’clock and parents trying to make them something tasty and nutritious while not finishing work 'til 6. Try bending the Space Time Continuum Gregg & John, that’s definitely cooking at it’s toughest.

So here’s a quick and simple recipe for a family tea, Pork Chops although you can adapt to use chicken breasts and make homemade nuggets. I’m claiming it as my own basically because I can’t remember where it originated.

Breaded Pork Chops

4 Pork Loin Chops or Steaks, something without a bone - 1 per person

Breadcrumbs

Grated Parmesan

Eggs

Seasoned Plain Flour

Method

The Pork needs flattening out, I ask the butcher to do this for me.

I sometimes bash my own pork (sorry couldn’t resist), so if you have a proclivity for violence lay a big sheet of cling film out put a piece of pork on top lay another sheet of cling film on top and knock the crap out of it with a rolling pin.

Ideally the meat should flatten to a thickness of about a centimetre.

Pre Heat the oven to 180c

Next you need 3 large bowls to bread the pork, the production line method works well.

In the first bowl pour in plain flour, enough to coat the pork. Season well with salt and pepper.

In the second bowl crack two eggs and beat.

In the third bowl put the breadcrumbs and grated Parmesan and mix well. Ideally you should use stale bread whizzed up in a processor to create the crumbs, in reality I use whatever’s in the house.

Take a piece of pork and coat in the flour making sure it’s completely covered. Knock off any excess.

Place the coated pork in the egg mixture once again making sure it’s coated.

Lastly place in the breadcrumbs and press down so the pork is encased in the Parmesan breadcrumbs.

Place on a plate and repeat each step with the remaining pieces.

You can prepare the pork in advance and refrigerate until you’re ready to cook it.

Heat a large frying pan preferably one big enough to hold all 4 steaks and pour in enough oil to cover the bottom (I like to use groundnut but whatever you have is fine).

When the oil is nice and hot carefully place the pork in and cook for 2 minutes each side, the breadcrumb coating she be nicely golden and have crisped up.

Place the pan in the oven and cook for about 8 minutes. Please make sure the pan is oven proof I don’t want anyone to have a melted mess in the oven.

The best way to tell if they’re done is to simply cut into one, if doesn’t look like it would kill you eat it.

Serve with whatever you want, mash and vegetables or Spaghetti and a tomato sauce works well.

Enjoy.

A