Lately
there has been a glut of birthdays in both N and M’s classes. I’m not sure if
this time of year marks the anniversary of any special events that led to
increased coital activity but there does seem to be a lot of kids born at this
time of year. I know they’re expecting a baby boom 9 months after the Olympics.
Personally
Mo Farrah didn’t do it for me. It’s the Masters in 2005 that holds special
significance for me, I vividly remember a well struck 8 Iron by Tiger inspiring
my own performance and Christmas Eve that year N was born.
Now
it has been said that I have a negative outlook on things, mainly by people
who’ve spent more than ten minutes in my company. Yes I may have a slightly
downbeat view of the world and on occasion I may embrace misery like an old
friend. So you’re probably asking how I could possibly take no joy from a child’s
birthday party?
Three
words – SOFT PLAY CENTRE
Ok
I’ll concede it isn’t all bad, N is old enough to be dropped off. Unless there
is some major emergency, loss of limb, electrocution, you know something really
extreme, it’s a couple of childfree hours. I tend to run in and run out at
lightning speed doing my best Mel Gibson impression as I leave, obviously going
for a Braveheart exclamation of “Freedom” rather than a drunk Anti-Semitic
rant.
My
problem is when it’s a party for M, at four years old she can’t be abandoned.
I’ve tried but she’s like a homing pigeon.
So
the invitation came home from playgroup –
“Dear
M, Come and have a Wacky Time with us to celebrate Chardonnay’s 4th
Birthday at the Crazy Warehouse.”
To
me it actually reads –
“Dear
M, Come and see how many germs you can catch from the 500 filth mongering kids
who’ve not washed their hands today at Crazy Larry’s Fucking Nuthouse.
PS
we know our children have never spoken let alone played together but we want
more presents.”
Naturally
M wants to go, she doesn’t share her father's disposition nor understand that I don’t
really want her associating with children with faux names or naughty girl/boy
names.
Mrs. Vino is a teacher and has encountered many a naughty child over the years and
it seems to me that there is a direct correlation between the name given and
their behaviour. I use the word naughty to save from using another expletive.
The
question of names became a real problem when we were choosing for ourselves. I
would suggest a name I liked and Mrs. Vino would veto it having taught a little
‘darling’ with that name.
As
I’m digressing I might as well tell you I liked Angus for a boy but there was
the issue of someone adding “me coat up” to the end of it. Then there was
Ophelia for a girl, I’m not educated enough to know she’s a tragic
Shakespearean character I just liked the name. We didn’t go with it ultimately
when it was pointed out that she’d probably get “Can I have a feel a ya”.
Anyway
back to the party, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure or misfortune of
visiting a soft play centre let me describe them to you.
They’re
vile, pure and simple. Dante would have placed them as the 6th
Circle of Hell, in between Anger and Violence, had they existed when he wrote his
Inferno.
There
are literally hundreds of bloody children running around screeching, crying,
sneezing and farting as you sit there nursing your hang over, invariably the
parties are on a Sunday morning.
I should add that I’m not great with children,
let’s face it I struggle with my own. So you can only imagine how I am with
hundreds of them that I don’t know tearing around.
You
pay £3 for a shite coffee and then run the gauntlet of making eye contact with
other parents you may have met in the playground at pick up or drop off time.
Ideally I don’t want to speak to anyone never mind getting saddled with them for
two hours, two hours! I don’t speak to my closest friends that much.
The
soft play area consists of a series of tunnels, slides and ball pits
constructed from disused scaffolding made safe with a bit of bubble wrap and
sellotape. It’s a neurotic parents nightmare constantly having to check if
little Jonny has done himself a mischief. My nightmare is holding myself back
from throttling the brat who’s terrorising the other kids or throwing balls at
me from the pit. The parents will be stood idly by adopting an anything goes
attitude. If this is you let me tell you just paying your entry fee doesn’t
admonish your responsibility of teaching your child right and wrong.
The
only redeeming feature in these pits of despair is the food. The children get
fed something with beans and chips, generally fish fingers or sausages. I love
fish fingers, beans and chips.
Generally
speaking a visit to one of these places is two hours of your life you’re never
getting back. I’m not looking down my nose at those who choose the option of
having their parties there. (I am really, hold your heads in shame.)
You
pay per attending child and everything is done for you. There’s no cooking or clearing
up after, they turf you out when the time’s up with one final kick in the nuts
of a party bag full of sugar just to ensure your child leaves in the most hyper
state possible.
It
was M’s birthday last week and you won’t be surprised to know we made our own
party, although the sadistic part of me wanted to do soft play if only to
inflict the pain I go through on others.
Instead
we hired a children’s entertainer, an old magician who M absolutely loved and
was in hysterics. Now I did write a joke about not seeing his CRB check and
being slightly concerned when he started to turn out his trouser pockets to do
his ‘elephant’ impression. Mrs.Vino said I couldn’t include it, oh well.
The
poor old fella was last seen heading to his van mumbling “I just wish they’d
sit down, why won’t they bloody sit down, 25 years I’ve been doing this and
they’ve never sat down.”
Food
wise I refused to make anything nice for the little buggers to throw at each
other and trample into the floor, so it was sandwiches, crisps and sausage
rolls. I did bake some buns (fairy cakes to you southerners) and flapjack I
couldn’t help myself.
The
party bags were filled with crappy sweets and a piece of cake I didn’t make.
Mrs. Vinos teacher instincts took over as the obligatory toy was replaced with a
book. “You WILL bloody read.”
So
in honour of M turning 4 this week’s recipe is the birthday cake I made her but
didn’t give to any of the children at the party.
I’ve
made lots of birthday cakes and have to say this is the best, it’s simple but
looks and tastes bloody good. I no longer do requests after getting caught out
with an Elmer cake for M’s 3rd. I spent hours and hours baking and
decorating but it never had a prayer of looking like a multi coloured elephant.
Nigella’s Birthday Custard Sponge - (From
Feast)
Ingredients – I’ve broken it down into each
element
Sponges
200g
Plain Flour
3
Tablespoons Custard Powder
2
Teaspoons Baking Powder
½
Teaspoon Bicarbonate of Soda
4
Eggs
225g
Soft Butter
200g
Caster Sugar
2-3
Tablespoons Milk
Buttercream
125g
Icing Sugar
4
Teaspoons Custard Powder
75g
Soft Butter
1
½ Teaspoons Boiling Water
Chocolate Icing
60ml
Water
2
Tablespoons Golden syrup
125g
Caster Sugar – Only 50g needed if you use Milk Chocolate
175g
Dark Chocolate – broken into pieces
Decorations
I
use Stars & Hundreds and Thousands
Yes
I know it looks a lot of ingredients and yes it probably is cheaper to buy a
cake but I like baking and once you’ve made it the ingredients are in the
cupboard to make again.
Method - Sponge
Preheat
the oven to 180c and butter the bottom and sides of 2 x 20cm tins then line the
bottoms with greaseproof paper.
Put
everything, minus the milk, into a processor and blitz until it’s smooth – make
sure the butter is soft or it’s a nightmare and you’ll end up with a lumpy
batter.
Add
the milk so you get a consistency that it easily drops off the spoon.
Divide
the mixture between the tins and bake for 20 minutes, the cakes will have risen
and be nicely golden on top. I use a wooden skewer to test if they’re ready, if
it comes out clean they’re done.
Let
them cool a little in the tin and then turn out onto a wire rack to cool
completely, remember to take off the greaseproof paper.
Method – Buttercream
Process
the icing sugar and custard powder first.
Add
the butter and process, it’ll start to form a ball.
With
the motor still running add the boiling water to loosen the buttercream up.
Method - Chocolate Icing
Put
everything in a saucepan except the chocolate and heat until the syrup and
sugar have dissolved.
Take
off the heat and add the chocolate, swirling it around to cover in the hot
liquid.
Once
it’s melted whisk to make it smooth.
Assembly
Once
the sponges are completely cold place one on a plate.
Put
all the buttercream in the middle and spread it out evenly.
Put
the other sponge on top.
Do
this before you make the chocolate icing. (Now I tell you – sorry)
Pour
the now made chocolate icing over the top, it’ll run down on to the plate just
spoon it back over making sure you cover the sides completely.
Decorate
before the icing sets.
Enjoy.
A
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